For a moment

For a moment today I felt……okay. I haven’t felt okay or well or centered or……..like I could see a future.

For a moment today, I felt like there is a future – and it is going to be…..okay.

I have been working on trying to stay in this town I have moved to – regrouping and healing. I hate it here. I loathe it. I despise it.

Yesterday, I made the choice that, to quote The Breakfast Club “damn the man”, I am moving and actively looking for jobs where I want to live. If my soon-to-be-ex-husband can move overseas and take……the dogs. My babies. My loves. My heart……

I can move where I want to live and be. This is my statement of independence.

It will all be okay. Somehow.

At least I have an answer

I am working toward getting my own career going.

In my case, I had put my trust in a family I was building – but surprise! I get to learn that my husband would have never married me if he had the choice.

that…….that hurts.

I am making my life anew and it is scary, and upsetting, and wonderful, and…….my new reality.

I am starting my life in the next phase. I look forward to it. Today I am hopeful.

this seems very appropriate:

“the girl who seemed unbreakable, broke. She dropped a fake smile and whispered to herself ‘I can’t do this anymore.'”

“I don’t know what it was

that made me love you

or what it was that made you

hate me the way you do.

I remember what you said

and compare it to what you did

and it never made sense.

you were there.

and then you weren’t.

You had my heart

and I had yours

You said it was love

And so I stayed.

maybe it was too much.

maybe it wasn’t enough.

But I will never forget

The way you made me feel

like I was everything

And I will never forget

The way you made me feel

like I was nothing.

—-Antonio M. Arce

New Year, New Life

Today the divorce papers came. I am so…..sad. And confused. And questioning. I know that I will never get any answers – but this is for the best, long term.

Being married to a Narcissist will destroy your self esteem…..they take and take until you cannot give any more and then they dump you because you have become a “burden”.

This year, I am building a new life, with a new job, and making myself into the person I want to be. It is just difficult not to be wistful for the past. I keep wanting to have my friend, my buddy, my husband back.

And to lose the dogs in the divorce……..shatters me. They are all moving to Europe and leaving me here.

It will be okay, the sun will rise again.

Tonight, tonight I will mourn. Grieve for a life lost and illusions destroyed.

Tomorrow, I will celebrate the new world I am entering.