He came, he went, and the papers were signed.
I am now free. Free to be myself again. As a friend said “he has whittled away at your self esteem and you can get it back now”
I……feel as if I was in a haze for a long time. I was mesmerized by a narc and it is a safe and wonderful place to be. Until it all falls apart. Then, it is devastating in a way that many people can not even imagine. It………takes your whole identity that you have built trying and working to be accepted by this person and crushes it. Devalues it. Makes it where it as if you never gave any effort or thought to the relationship.
He refused to go to counseling. It was all my fault. He actually yelled at me and told me that if he did not “have control I would hit you, I have never been so angry.”
Now, I struggled and am recovering from addiction. That is on me…..I wanted to forget. I was so lonely – he would not sleep in the same room, much less bed, with me, for the last three months.
He kept the dogs, of course, they were his before I came along. But with the male……I have been there for 5 of his 6 years. I miss them so much my heart hurts.
He wants a friendship – all the fun stuff without the difficult parts. I am at a loss as to how to proceed.
Some notable quotes
“If I had it to do again, I would have never married you”
“You and your….issues…..are damaging my career”
“I don’t believe in for better or for worse – if it is worse, then you should not be married”
My last memory of him: I needed to take a bus to get to the airport to get a flight to the states – we were in northern Quebec and I had just started making friends when he told me to…..leave.
So, 8 hour bus ride. The bus was delayed….snow and all. I had three big suitcases since I was moving and wanted to take as much as I could before the “shipping” of the rest of my things. Not that there was much.
He comes over – note that in this little town the bus station was 5 minutes from our house and it is 7am so he is not going to be late for work – and mentions he has things to do.
I was……just numb.
He gave me a “barely” hug and told me to take care.
I had to wait for an hour…..5 minutes away from my entire life that I had put my heart and soul into building a home and a family.
I tried to be discrete but I cried into my luggage. The driver took pity on me and helped me with the bags.
That. That is what it is like to be gas lighted by a narc.
Funny part? He now wants all the fun parts without the effort. He keeps emailing and messaging me because he is “so worried about me”.
What a………..I mean………seriously?
Next week, he will be here and I have to be…..somewhere else. I need the closure – because it is so very over – but it hurts.
It kills me to anticipate it – I just want it to be done. With a narcissist, I understand I need to break off contact. This I will do. I have to for my own sanity – I want to be moving ahead.
This is the man that put me in a psych stay for a week in a French hospital – I don’t speak French well.
My thoughts are my mind rambling – but I am in s good place. Promise.
Just finishing the mourning process. This is the most profound grief I have ever felt.