The end and the beginning

He came, he went, and the papers were signed.

I am now free. Free to be myself again. As a friend said “he has whittled away at your self esteem and you can get it back now”

I……feel as if I was in a haze for a long time. I was mesmerized by a narc and it is a safe and wonderful place to be. Until it all falls apart. Then, it is devastating in a way that many people can not even imagine. It………takes your whole identity that you have built trying and working to be accepted by this person and crushes it. Devalues it. Makes it where it as if you never gave any effort or thought to the relationship.

He refused to go to counseling. It was all my fault. He actually yelled at me and told me that if he did not “have control I would hit you, I have never been so angry.”

Now, I struggled and am recovering from addiction. That is on me…..I wanted to forget. I was so lonely – he would not sleep in the same room, much less bed, with me, for the last three months.

He kept the dogs, of course, they were his before I came along. But with the male……I have been there for 5 of his 6 years. I miss them so much my heart hurts.

He wants a friendship – all the fun stuff without the difficult parts. I am at a loss as to how to proceed.

Some notable quotes
“If I had it to do again, I would have never married you”
“You and your….issues…..are damaging my career”
“I don’t believe in for better or for worse – if it is worse, then you should not be married”

My last memory of him: I needed to take a bus to get to the airport to get a flight to the states – we were in northern Quebec and I had just started making friends when he told me to…..leave.

So, 8 hour bus ride. The bus was delayed….snow and all. I had three big suitcases since I was moving and wanted to take as much as I could before the “shipping” of the rest of my things. Not that there was much.

He comes over – note that in this little town the bus station was 5 minutes from our house and it is 7am so he is not going to be late for work – and mentions he has things to do.

I was……just numb.

He gave me a “barely” hug and told me to take care.

I had to wait for an hour…..5 minutes away from my entire life that I had put my heart and soul into building a home and a family.

I tried to be discrete but I cried into my luggage. The driver took pity on me and helped me with the bags.

That. That is what it is like to be gas lighted by a narc.

Funny part? He now wants all the fun parts without the effort. He keeps emailing and messaging me because he is “so worried about me”.

What a………..I mean………seriously?

It is coming. And my heart breaks.

Next week, he will be here and I have to be…..somewhere else. I need the closure – because it is so very over – but it hurts.

It kills me to anticipate it – I just want it to be done. With a narcissist, I understand I need to break off contact. This I will do. I have to for my own sanity – I want to be moving ahead.

This is the man that put me in a psych stay for a week in a French hospital – I don’t speak French well.

My thoughts are my mind rambling – but I am in s good place. Promise.

Just finishing the mourning process. This is the most profound grief I have ever felt.

For a moment

For a moment today I felt……okay. I haven’t felt okay or well or centered or……..like I could see a future.

For a moment today, I felt like there is a future – and it is going to be…..okay.

I have been working on trying to stay in this town I have moved to – regrouping and healing. I hate it here. I loathe it. I despise it.

Yesterday, I made the choice that, to quote The Breakfast Club “damn the man”, I am moving and actively looking for jobs where I want to live. If my soon-to-be-ex-husband can move overseas and take……the dogs. My babies. My loves. My heart……

I can move where I want to live and be. This is my statement of independence.

It will all be okay. Somehow.

At least I have an answer

I am working toward getting my own career going.

In my case, I had put my trust in a family I was building – but surprise! I get to learn that my husband would have never married me if he had the choice.

that…….that hurts.

I am making my life anew and it is scary, and upsetting, and wonderful, and…….my new reality.

I am starting my life in the next phase. I look forward to it. Today I am hopeful.

this seems very appropriate:

“the girl who seemed unbreakable, broke. She dropped a fake smile and whispered to herself ‘I can’t do this anymore.'”

“I don’t know what it was

that made me love you

or what it was that made you

hate me the way you do.

I remember what you said

and compare it to what you did

and it never made sense.

you were there.

and then you weren’t.

You had my heart

and I had yours

You said it was love

And so I stayed.

maybe it was too much.

maybe it wasn’t enough.

But I will never forget

The way you made me feel

like I was everything

And I will never forget

The way you made me feel

like I was nothing.

—-Antonio M. Arce

New Year, New Life

Today the divorce papers came. I am so…..sad. And confused. And questioning. I know that I will never get any answers – but this is for the best, long term.

Being married to a Narcissist will destroy your self esteem…..they take and take until you cannot give any more and then they dump you because you have become a “burden”.

This year, I am building a new life, with a new job, and making myself into the person I want to be. It is just difficult not to be wistful for the past. I keep wanting to have my friend, my buddy, my husband back.

And to lose the dogs in the divorce……..shatters me. They are all moving to Europe and leaving me here.

It will be okay, the sun will rise again.

Tonight, tonight I will mourn. Grieve for a life lost and illusions destroyed.

Tomorrow, I will celebrate the new world I am entering.