Next week, he will be here and I have to be…..somewhere else. I need the closure – because it is so very over – but it hurts.
It kills me to anticipate it – I just want it to be done. With a narcissist, I understand I need to break off contact. This I will do. I have to for my own sanity – I want to be moving ahead.
This is the man that put me in a psych stay for a week in a French hospital – I don’t speak French well.
My thoughts are my mind rambling – but I am in s good place. Promise.
Just finishing the mourning process. This is the most profound grief I have ever felt.
For a moment today I felt……okay. I haven’t felt okay or well or centered or……..like I could see a future.
For a moment today, I felt like there is a future – and it is going to be…..okay.
I have been working on trying to stay in this town I have moved to – regrouping and healing. I hate it here. I loathe it. I despise it.
Yesterday, I made the choice that, to quote The Breakfast Club “damn the man”, I am moving and actively looking for jobs where I want to live. If my soon-to-be-ex-husband can move overseas and take……the dogs. My babies. My loves. My heart……
I can move where I want to live and be. This is my statement of independence.
It will all be okay. Somehow.
I am working toward getting my own career going.
In my case, I had put my trust in a family I was building – but surprise! I get to learn that my husband would have never married me if he had the choice.
I am making my life anew and it is scary, and upsetting, and wonderful, and…….my new reality.
I am starting my life in the next phase. I look forward to it. Today I am hopeful.
this seems very appropriate:
“the girl who seemed unbreakable, broke. She dropped a fake smile and whispered to herself ‘I can’t do this anymore.'”
“I don’t know what it was
that made me love you
or what it was that made you
hate me the way you do.
I remember what you said
and compare it to what you did
and it never made sense.
you were there.
and then you weren’t.
You had my heart
and I had yours
You said it was love
And so I stayed.
maybe it was too much.
maybe it wasn’t enough.
But I will never forget
The way you made me feel
like I was everything
And I will never forget
The way you made me feel
like I was nothing.
—-Antonio M. Arce
Today the divorce papers came. I am so…..sad. And confused. And questioning. I know that I will never get any answers – but this is for the best, long term.
Being married to a Narcissist will destroy your self esteem…..they take and take until you cannot give any more and then they dump you because you have become a “burden”.
This year, I am building a new life, with a new job, and making myself into the person I want to be. It is just difficult not to be wistful for the past. I keep wanting to have my friend, my buddy, my husband back.
And to lose the dogs in the divorce……..shatters me. They are all moving to Europe and leaving me here.
It will be okay, the sun will rise again.
Tonight, tonight I will mourn. Grieve for a life lost and illusions destroyed.
Tomorrow, I will celebrate the new world I am entering.